A new night brings the same familiar revelations. In one hand stand the treasures that bloom dreams across closed eyes, and in the other the heavy burden of reality counters the balance. From the middle I watch the calm storm that washes away the very tears it rains. It seems that I've long since memorized the lyrics to this confusing ballad, and now I simply mouth the words so that I remember to not forget them. And while these voices of hope and despair attempt to drown out one another, the audience playing the desperate puppet, a single whisper soars above all. What will any of this mean? What can any of this mean?
We are all falling.
To reach for the sky is to avert the eyes from the ground below.
We are all falling.
Don't close your eyes.
We are all falling.
Look down.
8/13/11
5/21/11
A New Light
Eternity only begins, and I had never thought of it in that light. There are so many terms and understandings that we take at face value that on many occasions we forget what they originally meant. Sometimes all it takes is approaching the subject from another angle to realize that one has fallen into this trap and that the ideas we see are not as they appear under a new light. A few days ago I sat studying with a wandering mind when the idea "eternity only begins" materialized from my haphazard thoughts. The words were so simple and far from profound that I was taken aback when I truly attempted to understand what they meant-- that against the infinite backdrop of time and the far reaching grasp of eternity, we sit only at the very beginning of all that is. In juxtaposition to the boundless span of all that will occur, what has occurred and is occurring is only the first drop of many that will form an ocean. See, I had always viewed the idea of eternity in regard to its reach; I had only contemplated the end of the infinite, and by doing so failed to recognize we are and can only be at the beginning. I stand today at the very infancy of time because, oddly enough, that is the only place possible. To attempt to exist in the middle of eternity would essentially be to exist an infinity from now. But none of this is important.
What drove me to write these words was not the idea of eternity but the idea behind the idea. How many misconceptions and misunderstandings ignorantly flaw my understanding of the world? How many whites do I perceive as black? How many ups are down? How many wrongs are right? Most likely too many to know. Since my enlightenment on eternity, however, I have at least discovered one. Ironically it's not necessarily something I've never realized, but an idea I've simply never realized applied to myself. I have at least once before in these writings discussed the idea of contrast. Per my prior words, I described contrast as a driving force behind mankind. Contrast gives life to world, quite literally. Were there no contrast between life and death, that is to say no death at all, what would be the worth of life? Nothing. To again quote Ray Kurzweil:
“Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it.”
Contrast defines this world. This is a profound idea, but it is not the point I wish to make. What I want to address are the posts that followed that post. For months I wrote about hope, hopelessness, devastation, acceptance, and disparity. I characterized my own feelings as the descent into darkness against the impossible ascension. But having done so, now I find myself the hypocrite arguing the world is too dark but the sun too bright. I defined the world in the terms of contrast, championing the disparity of all and none, and then proceeded to define my own situation in a vacuum. If life is contrast and contrast is life, does it then not make sense to embrace, or at the very least accept, the other edge of the sword? How can I assault the tears of hopelessness that define the tears of joy? How can I condemn the dark that gives life to the light? It's an idea my mind accepts much easier than does my heart, but it's one the latter cannot ignore. The world can be a very dark place. Right now the world is a very dark. We cannot, however, appreciate the air we breath until we know what it is to suffocate. We can not appreciate the beating heart until it stops. We cannot understand what it means "to be" without first suffering those slings and arrows.
It's easy to forget the importance of contrast, just as it is easy to erroneously expect our lives to be both lopsided and worthwhile. Many people spend an eternity attempting to understand life in this light.
Sometimes all it takes is understanding eternity in a new light.
What drove me to write these words was not the idea of eternity but the idea behind the idea. How many misconceptions and misunderstandings ignorantly flaw my understanding of the world? How many whites do I perceive as black? How many ups are down? How many wrongs are right? Most likely too many to know. Since my enlightenment on eternity, however, I have at least discovered one. Ironically it's not necessarily something I've never realized, but an idea I've simply never realized applied to myself. I have at least once before in these writings discussed the idea of contrast. Per my prior words, I described contrast as a driving force behind mankind. Contrast gives life to world, quite literally. Were there no contrast between life and death, that is to say no death at all, what would be the worth of life? Nothing. To again quote Ray Kurzweil:
“Death gives meaning to our lives. It gives importance and value to time. Time would become meaningless if there were too much of it.”
Contrast defines this world. This is a profound idea, but it is not the point I wish to make. What I want to address are the posts that followed that post. For months I wrote about hope, hopelessness, devastation, acceptance, and disparity. I characterized my own feelings as the descent into darkness against the impossible ascension. But having done so, now I find myself the hypocrite arguing the world is too dark but the sun too bright. I defined the world in the terms of contrast, championing the disparity of all and none, and then proceeded to define my own situation in a vacuum. If life is contrast and contrast is life, does it then not make sense to embrace, or at the very least accept, the other edge of the sword? How can I assault the tears of hopelessness that define the tears of joy? How can I condemn the dark that gives life to the light? It's an idea my mind accepts much easier than does my heart, but it's one the latter cannot ignore. The world can be a very dark place. Right now the world is a very dark. We cannot, however, appreciate the air we breath until we know what it is to suffocate. We can not appreciate the beating heart until it stops. We cannot understand what it means "to be" without first suffering those slings and arrows.
It's easy to forget the importance of contrast, just as it is easy to erroneously expect our lives to be both lopsided and worthwhile. Many people spend an eternity attempting to understand life in this light.
Sometimes all it takes is understanding eternity in a new light.
5/15/11
2/19/11
Chasing Shadows
We spend our entire lives searching for the things we have already found in our dreams.
2/14/11
2/10/11
The Price of Change
At some point in time, someone looked at the world and it's shortcomings and decided that happiness should not cost a cent more than the thought of it. They coined the phrase that "the best things in life are free", and since that day we've come to haphazardly throw the term around as if it meant something. The truth, however, is that nothing good in life is free, much less the best things. We would like to think love was an item that was at large for the taking, that love is a happiness one can find when they're penniless and heart broken. But even love has a price tag, and sometimes that emotional toll can be absolute. Not even the air we breath comes without a price, and though it may seem harmless we pay its toll in free radicals hurting through our bodies. The same goes for the sun, whose rays of golden light afford us everything we know while inflicting tiny fees paid in the mating of cytosine nucleotides. Nothing in this life is free, though perhaps some are better equipped to bear such expenses.
Today I find myself haggling with the world. It knows all too well what I desire, and thus holds all the cards in this transaction. It also knows the valuables I hide to myself in places I keep most safe. This becomes a problem, as I feel as though I have finally found a road to lead me somewhere I want to go, but find myself at a toll booth that asks for the very vehicle I've used to arrive at it. Do I give everything I hold dear for the opportunity to march into uncharted waters? Or do I hold fast to the things I value and turn back to the world I run from? I already know the answer to this question, but somehow I find myself still clinging to the one last thing I must give away.
Nothing in this life is free. Our only hope is that at the end of the day we will find ourselves richer than the day before. Some pay a steep price to ascend, while others pay almost nothing. For me it is everything. I wonder if I am not already wealthy in a currency more valuable that what I will receive.
Today I find myself haggling with the world. It knows all too well what I desire, and thus holds all the cards in this transaction. It also knows the valuables I hide to myself in places I keep most safe. This becomes a problem, as I feel as though I have finally found a road to lead me somewhere I want to go, but find myself at a toll booth that asks for the very vehicle I've used to arrive at it. Do I give everything I hold dear for the opportunity to march into uncharted waters? Or do I hold fast to the things I value and turn back to the world I run from? I already know the answer to this question, but somehow I find myself still clinging to the one last thing I must give away.
Nothing in this life is free. Our only hope is that at the end of the day we will find ourselves richer than the day before. Some pay a steep price to ascend, while others pay almost nothing. For me it is everything. I wonder if I am not already wealthy in a currency more valuable that what I will receive.
2/7/11
Good Sportsmanship
Sometimes you simply have to tip your hat and acknowledge the world on a job well done. I could not have imagined feeling so poorly today... well played.
2/4/11
Despairity
He asks me if I've ever strongly disliked or hated my life.
I just laugh and turn the computer off... I can't even remember the last time I liked my life.
You could cut the irony with a knife.
I just laugh and turn the computer off... I can't even remember the last time I liked my life.
You could cut the irony with a knife.
1/30/11
1/14/11
The Outside Looking Up
Clarity oft brings the world into a focus we would rather keep distorted. A thousand outdated phrases may involve little more than a witty roll from the tongue, but understand that ignore truly is bliss and you might very well find yourself at the door to understanding this life. How ironic is it that despite the limitless curiosity of man, the downfall of many is little more than a deficiency of ignorance? From our earliest youth we are taught to understand, and yet like the magician who reveals his secrets the world's magic slowly wanes and crumbles. In the rubble we work out a meager existence but never truly recreate the wonder that was the illusion. Perhaps understanding is not the objective of this world; perhaps it is the disqualifying infraction.
I find myself running out of thoughts to hang on, watching each handhold break under the weight of my grasp. I will not fall for some time, and doubt that I will jump any time soon, but my attempts to ascend to such a high peak have all been wasted or broken. I stare at a tall and bare cliff that I must attempt to climb. It is too high, I concede, and I now knowingly embrace that it is forever out of my short reach. It had once seemed so close... now it is so very far. Perhaps the worst facet of this tortuous climb is that I can still see its apex above me. I can still smell the faint aroma of all I seek. I can almost taste. But I never will. On days like this I wish I had never raised my eyes to the sky; I wish I had never sought clarity from the depth of distortion. And though I cannot bear to stand here, on the outside looking up, my heart aches to know that the world will always be looking very, very, down.
I find myself running out of thoughts to hang on, watching each handhold break under the weight of my grasp. I will not fall for some time, and doubt that I will jump any time soon, but my attempts to ascend to such a high peak have all been wasted or broken. I stare at a tall and bare cliff that I must attempt to climb. It is too high, I concede, and I now knowingly embrace that it is forever out of my short reach. It had once seemed so close... now it is so very far. Perhaps the worst facet of this tortuous climb is that I can still see its apex above me. I can still smell the faint aroma of all I seek. I can almost taste. But I never will. On days like this I wish I had never raised my eyes to the sky; I wish I had never sought clarity from the depth of distortion. And though I cannot bear to stand here, on the outside looking up, my heart aches to know that the world will always be looking very, very, down.
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